Why Your Child's Behavior Isn’t Personal with Dr. Bahareh Talei, Psy.D.

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:23:06
Unknown
I've been seeing a lot. Is parents really trying to work through their own stuff with their children? That doesn't necessarily translate to what the child needs. So that this parent who grows up with nothing that is like, well, I'm going to give my kid everything. But that too can also backfire. So I think that's what it is. Seeing a lot of parents, I wish they could just were like, don't take it personal.

00:00:23:11 - 00:00:45:29
Unknown
And I struggle myself. I'm a parent. Realizing that nothing brings out your own needs like your children. And logically, even knowing like this isn't about me. When my kid is acting this way. But you take it personally because it's your own wound, but it's not on the kid to heal your wound. It's you as the parent that has to learn who your kid is.

00:00:45:31 - 00:01:05:59
Unknown
I don't care if they're two, 10 or 50. They are still your child. That's Doctor Bahari tally sharing a fundamental truth with our psycho, Sharon Wilner. On this episode of Beyond the Window, we delve into why our children's behavior often triggers our deepest wounds, and how shifting the focus from fixing them to understanding ourselves is the key to breaking the cycle.

00:01:06:06 - 00:01:32:33
Unknown
Listen to their full, insightful conversation. Up next. Thank you so much for joining us on Beyond the Window podcast here at La Ventana Treatment Programs. My very special guest is Doctor Bari Tolley, the founder of Diagnostic Counseling Center and Hive of Hope. Welcome, doctor B. Thank you for having me sharing. This is very exciting. So what brings you to our podcast?

00:01:32:34 - 00:02:10:07
Unknown
What are you up to? What are your places up to? What's new? Well, we I am here because my biggest thing in personal and professional life is to give information that people can use. So that's probably the biggest thing. But mostly at, DCC diagnosis and Counseling Center, we do a lot of assessments. I know seeing, mostly known as a diagnostician, but we do have graduate students, postgraduate students, therapy children, a lot of kids.

00:02:10:07 - 00:02:52:14
Unknown
We see a lot of kids and young adults. It's probably our biggest population. And then, I have now, hive of Hope, which is a nonprofit to provide low fee mental health services. So just trying to spread some information and help some people. And I know that you've been quite an asset to the community. I know that I've referred family, friends, colleagues, clients to you, and they have found that their life is more enriched and fulfilled and having a safe space to be diagnosed, which is something very personal or receive therapy services, is something very personal.

00:02:52:19 - 00:03:19:09
Unknown
So thank you. Thank you. So what are you seeing? A lot of like. I know that there's sometimes themes, that come into our offices, into our clinics. Any themes that you're seeing with young adults? With children, with parents? Yes. Actually, one of the bigger ones. I think that's come to us is that parents and teens are really struggling.

00:03:19:12 - 00:03:48:06
Unknown
Yeah. Or even kids, not even teens, but let's just say, because that is a time of life that can be more angsty, I guess. But we've been seeing it, and what I've been seeing a lot is parents really trying to work through their own stuff with their children. So and that doesn't necessarily translate to what the child needs.

00:03:48:11 - 00:04:17:01
Unknown
So for instance, somebody that has grown up feeling very financially inadequate compared to their own peers in a community, that didn't go to fancy places like all the other kids did in that community, or many of them did. But now has a child that there are no boundaries on what this child can ask for or be given.

00:04:17:06 - 00:04:42:17
Unknown
And that even in response to incidents that one wouldn't want to reinforce that it it does end up being reinforced because of the parents own world, let's say, from their own childhood or past. So a this parent who grows up with nothing that is like, well, I'm going to give my kid everything, right. But that too can also backfire.

00:04:42:19 - 00:05:14:21
Unknown
Anything in the extreme in a sense. So child has cost a mother several times a day. But then at one of the mobile stores was like, well, there was this like a deal on getting the newest phone iPhone. And the child got one. So and it wasn't about the kid. It was the parent trying to heal themselves in a way.

00:05:14:32 - 00:05:42:47
Unknown
Yeah. So I think that's what it is. Seeing a lot of parents, I wish they could just learn like, don't take it personal. And I struggle myself. I'm a parent. And, Sharon, you and I have talked about this, that realizing nothing brings out your own homes like your children. Yeah. I took a big breath on that one.

00:05:42:49 - 00:06:08:15
Unknown
You could tell it was coming. That is probably the biggest thing. So, you know, people doing growth or being insightful and being aware and logically, even knowing like this isn't about me. When my kid is acting this way. But you take it personal because it's your own wound. Yeah. But it's not on the kid to heal your wound.

00:06:08:19 - 00:06:40:08
Unknown
It's not the kid to learn who you are as a parent. It's you, as the parent that have to learn who your kid is. I don't care if they're two, ten, 15, 30, 40, or 50. They are still your child. That's that to me, is probably the biggest thing. And I try to really not just impart this information to people, but remind myself like a mantra.

00:06:40:09 - 00:07:03:24
Unknown
I'm a big thing about mantras. It kind of helps. But that okay, kids, teenagers, whatever it is, they're not doing it to you as a parent. Actually, it's not that I want you to think about. We all know middle school. Am I allowed to cuss now? Am I or no. Go for it. It could get bleeped out or we'll just leave it in.

00:07:03:26 - 00:07:31:17
Unknown
Well, I won't make your family friendly. No I won't. I'll just use another word because I don't want to make more work for editing. So, let's think of middle school, which is, I call the depths of the Devil's butthole. But I use another term. Okay. That's accurate. It is, it is. Middle school is the depths of the devil's butthole.

00:07:31:22 - 00:08:00:17
Unknown
Yeah. Okay. Okay. So I'm sticking to middle school, because nowadays that seems to be that that age of, like, just lots of difficulties. So your kid goes to a middle school at that age? Typically you don't want to stand out. You want to fit in with everybody. You think everyone's talking about you or thinking about you and oh, my God, is this person, that person?

00:08:00:17 - 00:08:28:23
Unknown
But what's funny is they're all thinking that about themselves, so nobody's really thinking about the other person. But whatever. The kid is, having social problems like typical social problems or the teacher embarrass them in front of someone. Okay. That kid really, if they're healthy in that way, they're not going to back talk at the teacher or take it out on the friend.

00:08:28:28 - 00:08:42:25
Unknown
So when they come home, it's not them doing something to the parent. They are working stuff out through the parent. Right?

00:08:42:29 - 00:09:08:02
Unknown
So are the parents that you're seeing. Are they even aware of this? I mean, they're bringing their teen to you because their teen is acting a certain way and they want to mitigate it, remedy it. Are the parents or how do you enlighten the parents that their behavior, their response, their lack of response is where the attention needs to be also on the child.

00:09:08:07 - 00:09:31:35
Unknown
But on themselves. Right. What is this bringing up for you as a parent when your kid is acting this way? And I took a deep breath earlier because as a parent, I have held my tongue. And, I've also unleashed and, you know, you live and learn. But how, you know, how does it come to fruition in your work?

00:09:31:40 - 00:10:00:35
Unknown
Can you bring it up to the families, and if so, how does that come out? So the way I bring it up with parents is okay, so you're telling me this is a problem. So the kid's great at school, but then comes home and, you know, cusses you out or whatever, doesn't do homework and you're like, so what is it exactly you you want work with?

00:10:00:37 - 00:10:14:51
Unknown
So some people say, well, their grades are bad. Well, is that where we really should be focusing? So that's the first thing. Yeah, right. If your child is so depressed, they can get out of bed. They're always in the room and not socializing. I really don't want to worry about the grades. Let's get them up and bathed. Yeah.

00:10:15:06 - 00:10:44:33
Unknown
Yeah. Okay. So I think it's also helping them even just be aware. Like, what's the priority? What's more important here? Right. But it also a lot of times I'll just say okay. Well how did that work out for you. As a parent. Like if they responded in a way or something like how did that work out? And I think people that come to the office kind of know that I'm pretty direct and stuff.

00:10:44:33 - 00:11:17:27
Unknown
So I do kind of say it. I will say, well, do you think, like if your child is doing an unhealthy things and you then buying them a brand new iPhone or comps or whatever it is, do you how do you think that's helping? And once you kind of present it that way to them, they do see a little bit, right?

00:11:17:31 - 00:11:40:37
Unknown
Maybe hopefully sometimes you just have to be very, very direct and say, that's not going to help. Do you see how then you are reinforcing that behavior? Your words are one thing. Yeah, but your actions are another. That's hard enough for adults to figure out with other people, let alone the kid.

00:11:40:41 - 00:11:58:00
Unknown
Right. So if you're kid is never upset with you always going to give in because you got to think about it, is it because I don't want them to be upset with me? Because that's my wound of rejection?

00:11:58:04 - 00:12:16:40
Unknown
But that's not on the kid. That's not going to help them any. Well, I think a lot of parents don't see it as an issue. If I have a great relationship with my kid and their grades are bad. What does that have to do with me? You know, I, you know, I, I reward my child, I buy them things.

00:12:16:45 - 00:12:36:30
Unknown
I'm a good parent. We have a great relationship, you know, but sometimes when they talk back, maybe not to me, maybe to their other parent, whether we're in the same home or in separate homes. A lot of parents, I think, have a hard time looking at their part in that dynamic and the wounds that are coming up for them, that they may or may not see.

00:12:36:35 - 00:12:56:23
Unknown
I think that's true for any person, though. Like to really see yourself and like, oh my God, this is something I need to work on. This is an issue. My it is very hard for you when I do this, and it's hard when we have to look at ourselves and say, this is an issue we need to work through.

00:12:56:27 - 00:13:31:03
Unknown
So it takes a lot. It's doable. And they aren't aware a lot at the time. But when you do bring it up, some are receptive, some it really maybe doesn't still kind of marinate. You know you keep bringing it up like little seeds and hope it takes for the parent. But I also want people to learn like it's not always on your parent to like heal you.

00:13:31:08 - 00:14:08:10
Unknown
That's the other part of this right. So. There's a couple of other important points. First, like people, parents that come and say, you know, kids screaming and yelling and slamming doors. And I say, okay, well, how does everybody then approach it in the home? But parents also scream and yell and cuss. So. How do kids learn to emotionally regulate if the parent has to show how to emotionally regulate?

00:14:08:25 - 00:14:32:11
Unknown
Are you always going to do it right? No, I don't. But then to say, you know what? That was messed up. Like I lost my temper. That that's my own. That's not you. But, you know, I'll make sure I'm more aware of it because that's also teaching them something to take accountability. Right. So I think that's something important to mention.

00:14:32:11 - 00:14:58:42
Unknown
But also that for those parents that then have the kids and especially maybe let's say with teams dealing rejected. So if you think about the typical ones a lot of adults have like let's say rejection, right? Abandonment, not feeling enough, not feeling enough, dismissed. Right. Sometimes masking with I'm doing the best that I can. I'm doing the best that I can.

00:14:58:44 - 00:15:33:00
Unknown
I'm looking at myself. I'm putting you in therapy. Look at me or don't look at me. I'm doing my best. Right. Yeah, right. But, you know, it's at some point, it no longer becomes the parents response. That responsibility, or even the ability is gone for them to heal the child's. Yeah. Okay. So as an adult, let's say I have a childhood wound, and my parent, after some many years, does take accountability and says, you know what?

00:15:33:05 - 00:16:04:08
Unknown
Be like, I messed up. Let's just say all that would really do is maybe improve that relationship. How how is that going to heal the wound up you at that point that you have to take responsibility for your own self? So then what do you recommend? How do we heal the moon? I think. It depends on the person and what becomes salient to you to heal that wound.

00:16:04:13 - 00:16:31:55
Unknown
So for me, I think a big part of being in the field and working with so many kids and teens and young adults and being them there for them, that heals me in a bit. Oh, oh, in a way, through my own kids or maybe through community activities, you know, and pushing myself, you know, the only way you grow my kids, they put this on a t shirt, but the only way you grow is when you're uncomfortable.

00:16:31:59 - 00:17:03:39
Unknown
Yeah. Only way. So even though that stuff does not feel good that you have to think about or need to work through, you have to. That's the only way you're going to grow. Pay offs only come with risk. If you play CS all the time ls anything going to change really? You know, so doing. But when you go to going to therapy.

00:17:03:44 - 00:17:27:38
Unknown
And doing it right. Like not right but actually like being present and open. And I have a client and lovely older woman and I won't say older but like, you know, no adult woman, older adult woman. And she came to me about five years ago and said, okay, I've been in and out of therapy my whole life, pretty much since I was 12.

00:17:27:43 - 00:17:57:44
Unknown
She sat down. She said, I'm ready to do it right this time. Because she had been holding back from therapists or wouldn't do the work. Okay. Tested. Another woman did not get a diagnosis that she wanted and was very upset, saying then I am I just destined to be miserable? I've done everything I'm supposed to do. Yeah, that's therapy, doctors appointments, this.

00:17:57:47 - 00:18:21:25
Unknown
And I said, okay. I said, you do understand just going to your appointment once a week for therapy. That's that's not going to fix anything. Like that's not going to make things better. You just go in there like the point is to implement whatever you've got going there or at all the times you're not there. Yeah. I always like to say that your homework isn't like the work isn't in the session.

00:18:21:38 - 00:18:46:11
Unknown
It's what you do from the time I don't see you to the time I see you again. That that's where the work is. It's not this. I mean, it's a magical hour, but it's not. It's not magic, right? What that hour does is help you identify patterns. It's maybe it to give you some perspective of someone else's position.

00:18:46:16 - 00:19:00:18
Unknown
Validating, right. Because if you think about any person in this world, no matter what the ages, all they want to do is be seen. That's it.

00:19:00:23 - 00:19:22:59
Unknown
And there's a commitment. So I understand with this client coming back and saying I'm ready to do the work. It's sometimes when a teen is presented in therapy, it's it's, you know, a parent's perspective as you fix them. Why do I have to go to therapy? What more do I need to look at? And do I have to because I'm really busy?

00:19:23:04 - 00:19:42:17
Unknown
Which is never a good role model example for the team, but sometimes it's it's a system issue. So the team has to go. The parents have to go. How are things? Have to get to. They get get to. I get to go. I mean, you see this here? I see this here. So if you're here, you're with me.

00:19:42:17 - 00:20:04:41
Unknown
It's fine. Or you're in treatment, it's fine. But if you just go back to the same environment. Nobody. Yeah. How is that going to help? And the goal is to change the system, to change the multi-generational trauma to to change the the processes, to change the communication. Start there. And it doesn't change overnight. Right? It takes time.

00:20:04:45 - 00:20:26:20
Unknown
But you're also modeling. Yeah. You know, and if your kid rejects you, no matter what the age, it's okay. Like, just you got to keep trying your arms just have to be wide with love. Because you're right. They're not doing it to you or at you. They're working their stuff out and having a limited capacity of knowing how to emotionally rate you regulate.

00:20:26:20 - 00:20:49:47
Unknown
If I grow up in a house of screaming parents. I know that that works because I watch my parents do it. It works for me, but I'm not allowed to do it at school and I'm not allowed to do it. You know, with my friends, because nobody would tolerate that. So I'll just bring it back home and do it there, and I'm going to just bite my parents head off because they forgot to pack my water bottle.

00:20:49:52 - 00:21:15:40
Unknown
Right. So it's that. Yeah. Because really, especially teenagers, they're so involved with their own lives. A lot of times they're not thinking about the parents feelings and what issues they have going on. And it's not like that part of the brain is formed. Empathy isn't formed to like 14 or 15, maybe. Maybe. So it's not like they have the capacity for that where whereas the adults do have the capacity.

00:21:15:40 - 00:21:29:24
Unknown
But sometimes we feel like, why do I have to like, I have to go to work and I have to make their lunch and I have to clean after them, and now I have to have a little more empathy when they're acting that way. And now I have to make time to go to therapy, to work on me.

00:21:29:24 - 00:22:00:50
Unknown
Like, I don't want to make time for that right now, but that comes with the territory. Yeah, it sure does. It does. It comes with the territory and it is worth. I'm not saying it isn't. Yeah, but that's the time to do it. Yeah. Especially. What about when you hear adults saying, well, I'm working on it, which is a line that a lot of people in treatment don't like hearing from their peers because they've used it themselves and they know when someone is talking, I'm a cop out.

00:22:00:50 - 00:22:17:35
Unknown
It's a cop out. It's like, so it is a cop out, most likely more. You know, usually it's not to say that some people aren't working on it, but sometimes it does show up as a cop out and I would or they say, well, you know how I am. That's the other one. Well, you know how I am.

00:22:17:35 - 00:22:33:03
Unknown
And this is just me. That's the other one, which is just powerful words to reinforce how you are. And it's like, okay, so you're going to scream at me, but okay, then if I walk by and I want to smack you upside the head, I have impulse control. I don't do it. But now, like if I do that.

00:22:33:03 - 00:23:00:38
Unknown
But you just know how how what I am, how I am. That does. That's not good enough. Yeah. So yeah, it does suck. But you know what? That's your kid. Yeah. So it's you. Really? Again, it's on you to learn about them. So that's what your goal is to work on that relationship then that you have to do it because we have those parents that drop off and all of these officers do that.

00:23:00:43 - 00:23:38:39
Unknown
They just drop them off. Okay. Being totally hands off isn't the way. Right. And then being completely involved can also be problematic. Helicopter. Right. Name for it. So because either way does not they're not healthy. Like it just doesn't like we got to be somewhere in the middle sometimes and it's not so clear cut. You're a little bit on one side for a little bit.

00:23:38:39 - 00:24:18:27
Unknown
You're on the other side for a little bit. That's okay. But I got parents that it's so overinvolved that it's causing more issues for the child, like the amount of typically mothers getting involved in their teenage daughters. Social trauma has made things worse. That is, it's so. And it's because it's bringing up the moms that their mothers. Oh, I was going to ask, is that also a symptom of, again, the parent's wounds?

00:24:18:27 - 00:24:38:45
Unknown
Right. Coming up, the over involvement or the detached. Right. So how do people find a healthy balance. Can you help them find a healthy balance of here's how involved I want you to be. Here's how involved I don't want you to be. Here's what I need you to let go and look at yourself. Here's where I want you to be involved.

00:24:38:50 - 00:25:08:46
Unknown
Right. So because we've we've also had this come up consistently. That we're going to start something for parents of teens. It at our office to help. I don't like the term like parent training or like anything like that because yeah I think we all can sense okay. Well what makes a good enough parent as they say in our field.

00:25:08:46 - 00:25:44:02
Unknown
But it you don't parent your kids the same way. So I've got three kids. I each one has a different mother. One. Right. Because their experiences are different. Yeah. But I parent them differently. So what about the idea that some parents just want to be fair across the board? I want to treat my kids fairly regardless of their age, gender, age gap, or their ability or or step parenting or their ability or their disability.

00:25:44:06 - 00:26:16:36
Unknown
But I want a kid treat my kids fairly because there's this sense that everything needs to be fair. Well, life isn't fair. So right there, that's not going to work. It's just not to me. This is my opinion. It's like, okay, well, let's we have the basics of, you know, shelter, clothing, food and parenting. Basic parenting. Right? Like, okay, I come to your games, feed, make sure you're fed, you're clean.

00:26:16:41 - 00:26:44:42
Unknown
Just that mean, let's see that minimal bar. So then it becomes how do you where do you go from there. How do you then figure it out? It's not a one size fits all. One kid may not need discipline. I have a kid like that. They're harder on themselves than anybody. But. So. Right. Totally lost my train of thought for a moment.

00:26:44:42 - 00:27:12:53
Unknown
Shared there. Whoa. So what? So does that mean you're not an active parent with him, or do you feel like you're not an active parent with him because he's just so self-reliant and on his own? Okay. So this is how I kind of explained it. And I said this to my son when he's graduating high school. I said that, you know, your dad and I when you were little, we were walking up in front of you, right?

00:27:13:02 - 00:27:35:00
Unknown
You're like pudgy. As you've gotten older in high school. Step forward beside you. Now you're off to college and everything. And we're right. Now we're behind you. But you know what, Cyrus? There's going to be times you're going to need us right there next to you, and times you're going to need us up in the front. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

00:27:35:00 - 00:27:57:43
Unknown
You've got to gauge it. For instance, I do go to the local high schools. I'm close to the Korean College, center ladies, counselors at the high school. And when college application time comes, they ask me to come in.

00:27:57:48 - 00:28:10:22
Unknown
It the amount of times I need to say if you are doing your child's application, do you think this is a good idea that they leave out of state. Oh.

00:28:10:27 - 00:28:44:50
Unknown
But it's hard. They don't know. Those forms are very complicated. Figure it out. They have to figure it out. You know, I personally don't want my kid calling me at 2 a.m. saying you have to come five hours away because I had a fight with my. Yeah, like romantic partner. Yeah. If you're just constantly doing everything and I tell parents a middle schoolers, high schoolers, elementary kids to date their friends or their little crushes or whatever you want to call it.

00:28:44:55 - 00:29:10:43
Unknown
This is practice for real life, right? If you're coming in like a bat out of hell because some kid said something to your kid. So there is a lot of involvement with parents. A lot obviously in kindergarten, elementary school, and sometimes it follows them in a middle school where kids are not getting along. And I do believe that if we just let them be, they will figure it out.

00:29:10:52 - 00:29:17:12
Unknown
Let them. I'm not pro violence, however.

00:29:17:17 - 00:29:39:25
Unknown
In our days. Yes. We fought it out on the playground, whether we were pushing each other or picking each other. And then there was always someone telling us not to get involved. But today, kids come with parents and lawyers. And so it's really hard because everyone has rights, which is a good thing. But we're not teaching our kids to learn to work it out on their own.

00:29:39:30 - 00:29:59:27
Unknown
And and you know what? And then that follows them to college with somebody going to fill out my application. It's okay. My parents will step in and help me. It's okay. My mom will stop everything and zoom with me. And I've seen it too, with young adults. And it's, why are you so available? How will they learn to do it for themselves if you don't let them?

00:29:59:29 - 00:30:18:27
Unknown
Right. And I loved the middle school that my daughter went to. It was like orientation. First day just before first grade of sixth grade. And the principal said, let them fail. Yep, that's what I say. And I was like, what? And she goes, I don't want to hear from you. Let them not come in with the homework assignment.

00:30:18:42 - 00:30:40:34
Unknown
Let them fail their class. And I was blown away. I felt like she was talking to me. Or when my daughter was in martial arts and my sensei took her out. She came out of class running to me because something had happened on the mat, and he came and spoke to her, completely ignoring me, and said, if you want to be in my class, you don't come to your mom.

00:30:40:34 - 00:31:03:22
Unknown
You come to me. And he looked at me and he said, you might need to leave. And those two experiences. And they were right around the same time where the most learning from me because it it gave me permission to let her. She was going to be okay or not okay. And she will figure it out. Right. And that's what's important because think about it.

00:31:03:23 - 00:31:33:21
Unknown
How do we figure out you figure it out. You you stumble right? Like not being able to do something isn't a failure. You're writing from it. Okay. That it works, right? Yeah. So you're not letting them have that because you're trying to make it okay. Right. But it sets them up to fail. Yeah. So the kid where the parents are filling out the college applications, these are the kids that go out of state, and then they stumble and they can't.

00:31:33:21 - 00:31:58:22
Unknown
So they have to come back. So in my opinion, I say this to like the the middle school principal at some point. We all really have our hard moments, right? Yeah. Hard times. And we didn't make the best decisions. But you would. I'm telling you, you would rather have your kid stumble and fail in middle school, even high school.

00:31:58:35 - 00:32:30:10
Unknown
Then when they're 20, 30, 35, 40, 50, because they weren't allowed to do things for themselves in case they did it wrong or they didn't do it because you were concerned. Listen again, I get it right. Like my son having his first appointment at college this year and having to do the utilities and do all this, you think I didn't want to take over because of my own anxiety every day?

00:32:30:10 - 00:32:55:27
Unknown
Did they do the utilities? Did you want to bill? What size bed do we need to get all of these things? I mean, it was if my own anxiety, it has nothing to do with him. And guess what? It was done. Now, I would have maybe done it four weeks ago, but he did it. Yeah. You know, and I think those are the important things because they also then feel good about it.

00:32:55:32 - 00:33:28:39
Unknown
And it's a lot harder when they feel older in life because they feel like I should know this by now. I'm 30, right? Why don't I know how to manage my own feelings? Why don't I know how to do basic life stuff? And I see it all the time. Having adult programs here where we hear adults and and their younger teens come out and like it could be a 50 year old woman, but it's the 16 year old that checks in and says, I don't know how to do this, or I've done it for everyone else, and I don't know how to do it for myself, and it doesn't feel good doing it for myself.

00:33:28:44 - 00:33:54:33
Unknown
And oh, I also need to check out earlier because they need me out there. So it's this. It's I hear your messaging as how do we take care of our youth is we have to take care of ourselves. We have to really hone in on our parenting wounds and own them ourselves. Yeah, it's not on them. It's not on them to fix.

00:33:54:38 - 00:34:14:39
Unknown
Yeah, because they're still kids at some point. Then it's the responsibility of the person. So I like to say I think of like, okay, if I'm going to give a gift to you, Sharon, okay, I'm going to give you a present, but you don't take it. Who does it belong to? Who is it? Who does it belong to?

00:34:14:51 - 00:34:41:46
Unknown
Me. Right. Because you didn't. You didn't make it. Okay. So if you're going to bring negativity or ugliness or whatever you want to call it, I'm not going to take that person. You keep it. You know, and that's what's like, we got to teach your kids and even teaching them you're not responsible for me. They will take it on.

00:34:41:46 - 00:35:03:55
Unknown
And even if you think I'm parenting, I don't make that. Do they put it on themselves? I got divorced, my nine year old son said to me, well, I'm the man of the house now. I have to take care of you and my sisters. Where did this message come from? Right. It's it's innate, a lot of it in their kids.

00:35:03:55 - 00:35:24:13
Unknown
It is a very self-centered time. Right? Yeah. So how do you how does one take the messaging off the child when, for example, your son says, I'm the man of the house? How do you say, no, I am or how do you handle the man of the house? I'm the man. But it's saying something like, you know what?

00:35:24:18 - 00:35:48:38
Unknown
That's a really big thing. And I love that you care about us so much. Or that's more of an adult thing. That's too much responsibility. You got to enjoy being a kid, right? So I think a lot of times even I lose sight of it, of their own self, like what they've put on themselves. So giving them permission to not take something on.

00:35:48:47 - 00:36:16:50
Unknown
Right. Thank you. I appreciate you. I'm validating. And I'm also going to allow you not to take it because I'm the adult. It's an adult thing. And that's what you say. You don't all you can share about certain things about yourself for your life, but not too much. Their brains aren't developed enough to process it, and it then it's also you're maybe opening up too much and it's about you.

00:36:16:51 - 00:36:43:39
Unknown
Who there you have this relationship with. But maybe others, like their grandparents, let's say their brains are in process. They both have to remember teenagers especially, like it's all hormones and the frontal lobe is underdeveloped. Right? They're not the same person. You're you're very difficult. 13. 14. 15. 16. It's not going to be the same person. Right. Okay.

00:36:43:39 - 00:37:09:28
Unknown
They say around 16, 17. Hopefully there's some little bit of yeah glimmer of a getting, you know, everything's getting better in terms of the emotional stuff. So what about the flip side like when a young adult in their early 20s is blaming their parents for how they are all the like? Well, you you I'm this way because of you.

00:37:09:33 - 00:37:31:29
Unknown
Your responsibility is to now fix that. You've damaged me as a kid. So your responsibility is to pay my way is to fix my problems, is to be available when I call you, I would say. Has that worked for you in the sense of making you happy? Well, I'm not happy because you damaged me, right? And and I'm sorry you feel like that.

00:37:31:29 - 00:37:58:48
Unknown
That's the experience. I'm sorry if you. I've ever made you feel that I didn't love you or I damaged you. It's okay to say sorry to your kid. It's a good thing. Again. Another skill to teach them. Yeah. Take accountability. I always thought about this once. I was so mad, I threw a chicken wing across the kitchen. Not at anyone, but just across the kitchen.

00:37:58:53 - 00:38:33:14
Unknown
Flying chicken wing. But I was like, oh, that's not good. And I was just like, oh my gosh, you guys, I'm really sorry. Like that was unacceptable. Not me in my best. Like, no. Yeah, I just it was frustration, but I can see I need to work on it. So admitting our wrongs as an adult, apologizing when appropriate, not over disclosing, giving permission for them to be and and let them feel what they feel so many times, you know teenager, if they go through their first heartbreak.

00:38:33:14 - 00:38:56:24
Unknown
And I get it, parents don't want their kids to cry or feel. But again, it's that uncomfortable feeling, right? But they have to feel it. And you know what? It's just 1314 that heartbreak is earth shattering. You as a parent, maybe you're looking at it from an adult stressed out with bills in middle age or whatever it is.

00:38:56:29 - 00:39:24:13
Unknown
You have to remember that. Put yourself back in that it is earth shattering because a lot of times fun, love parents will dismiss, right? So don't worry about you're gonna have so many more girlfriends, boyfriends, partners, whatever. That's not helpful. They're not helpful. But you're there trying to make them feel better, right? But it it's dismissive.

00:39:24:18 - 00:39:53:46
Unknown
Yeah. You know, and really, I want people to think, okay, I want my. Do you want your kid when things go wrong? I'm very good about that. Not cussing by the way, today, if when things go wrong, do I want do you want your kid to say, oh, shoot, I better call mom? Or do you want to say them to say, oh shoot, mom better not find out.

00:39:59:52 - 00:40:19:09
Unknown
Seriously? Yeah. You know, like a lot of parents do I'll pick you up any time from anywhere and will ask question. That's what you do. You pick them up no questions because they called you right from a party. If they need it you don't then say well why would you leave? Why would you even go? Why did you do this?

00:40:19:09 - 00:40:25:23
Unknown
Why they called you and you do exactly what you said.

00:40:25:28 - 00:40:47:25
Unknown
So it's a lot of that, but we've been seeing a lot of that. I think just people being more aware that with our kids, it's is this our own stuff? And of course, sometimes it is them. You have to have boundaries and discipline and stuff like that. I'm not your friend, your parent. I have to unless you want to.

00:40:47:26 - 00:41:12:53
Unknown
Society. But that, you know what if if for anybody if this goes to rule two things I wish everybody in this world could understand. First, don't take it personal. And this goes for everybody. Yeah. Not just about kids, parents, everybody. Don't take it personal. Most of the time it's not. It's not right. Even when it is. It's not even when it is.

00:41:12:53 - 00:41:39:55
Unknown
It's not. Right. And that number two crappy things happen to good people and crappy things happen to bad people. It does not mean because you've had 2 or 3 crappy things happen to you that like you're at your limit. No more crappy things are going to happen, right? Okay, the only difference between people is how are they going to cope right?

00:41:40:00 - 00:42:09:42
Unknown
So those two two lessons I wish like could be just and that's a hard one, not just for teens but also for adults. Because again, when we're talking about adults needing to look at themselves, needing to heal their wounds, identifying that there's wounds is a huge one, because most of the time we're so preoccupied with, I have bills and work and demands and all the roles that I play in people's lives, and I don't have time, right?

00:42:09:44 - 00:42:29:42
Unknown
Or I don't want to. I really don't want to. I'm tired. Or haven't I done enough? That's another one that I hear. I've done enough. But, you know, if I didn't sign up for this, I didn't sign up for I brought you here to talk to my daughter about how she is. I didn't talk, I didn't bring her here so you could tell me to look at myself or to teach me how to parent.

00:42:29:42 - 00:42:52:50
Unknown
I got that, so I came in here for this, and now you're telling me to look at these other things? I don't have the capacity for that. So you say, well, how's that been working? How has that been working for you? And so what are then the other options if this continues? So you got it. And I know you do this like you break down.

00:42:52:50 - 00:43:17:18
Unknown
So either you don't change right. Or do anything in any capacity and either continue to the way it is which isn't working. The kid cuts you off. That seems to be upsetting. It would be upsetting. Or so if you play well, you've been trying the same solution. It's not working.

00:43:17:22 - 00:44:02:40
Unknown
And I'm having the same conversations with the kids too. Like, listen, nobody saves anybody. It's your parents. They're there. They can give you the opportunities, right? Or that teach you certain skills. But it's it's you take responsibility to. You know, like it. Everybody has accountability. And that's a tough one. That's a real tough one because I I've always known the mentality of, you know, the difference between kids and adults is kids blame and adults take responsibility.

00:44:02:40 - 00:44:24:11
Unknown
But kids need to take responsibility. Yes. And not all adults take responsibility and not all that. Yeah, exactly. And being okay with it. But that's the thing. You're right. Because if you say like even when it's personal is not really personal and crappy things happen, like I just have to cope with it, like, cope with it. How are you going to cope?

00:44:24:16 - 00:45:02:15
Unknown
You look at who you have in your life and what you can get from them. Am I going to keep going to the same person over and over and over again? If I've never gotten anything from them, well then that's on me. If I'm right, I keep doing the same approach. And I think when a lot of people, they're not aware of their own, I think we can maybe this is a good idea is maybe like when those reactions do come up right for someone and you become very reactive or the feelings are extreme, sit.

00:45:02:20 - 00:45:26:18
Unknown
Sit for a second, sit in it and say, what am I feeling? Is it really because Johnny forgot his water bottle at school again? Probably not about the water bottle. And you said it and it takes time. Yeah, and maybe it's not about Johnny's water bottle. It's because I don't feel appreciated. I have to then worry about it.

00:45:26:18 - 00:45:45:57
Unknown
And I've bought five. It's not about the water bottle. And I don't feel hurt because I reminded Johnny 12 times before he got out that I don't feel listened to. And how many times in my life have I not felt listened to right the pattern and then do maybe not the same, but they they are the same, right?

00:45:46:02 - 00:46:09:21
Unknown
So yeah. Yeah. So hopefully we'll be starting the parenting thing soon. Kids are an excellent mirror and for anyone that doesn't have kids, it's still an invitation. If someone is triggering us to look at where is it coming from? Yes. And is this really about you or is this are you reflecting back something to me that I need to look at, or is it really you, or is it or is it really me?

00:46:09:21 - 00:46:34:29
Unknown
And I need to look at that. Right. And I think also realizing and thinking about, you know, if you're hearing a similar thing from different people, gotta kind of be like, okay, now, yeah, I gotta maybe look at this. If 4 or 5 people who don't know each other are kind of reflecting back to me something, then maybe I gotta look at that.

00:46:34:38 - 00:46:55:57
Unknown
Yeah. So we talked about a lot of things. Oh my goodness. What are what are a few takeaways that you would want our listeners and viewers to really hold on to? So the don't try not to take things personally. Usually they're not even when they or they're not, number two that crappy things are going to happen that that's life.

00:46:55:59 - 00:47:03:50
Unknown
It happens. Good people, bad people or people. Only difference. How are you going to cope?

00:47:03:55 - 00:47:27:11
Unknown
And then also with other people around your life if they make you feel some sort of weight, what is. At some point, is it serving you to blame and just say, well, if they just took accountability for what they did to me. But again, it's not going to heal the wound. It'll help the relationship likely, but not the wound.

00:47:27:16 - 00:47:46:55
Unknown
So I think those three things I love about thank you, thank you, Pete, thank you so much for coming on to the show. We'll make sure that your information is super accessible for our viewers and our listeners to check you out and get some help and have some enlightenment and some reflection. Thank you. That's all for this episode.

00:47:47:04 - 00:47:59:58
Unknown
A special thanks to Doctor Bari, Italy for her wisdom. And if you'd like to learn more, visit WW w dot center DC s.com. Join us next time on the windows and what conversations that go beyond the surface.