00;00;00;05 - 00;00;26;20
Unknown
It's your replacement. Probably better. Better? Yeah. When we get it right. It's so true. It's even better, right? If it wasn't, I probably wouldn't still be clean for 21 years. I agree, right? I didn't find something better than the bad times. I found something better than a good. They don't make dope this good, right?
00;00;26;23 - 00;00;41;04
Unknown
I am David Lasher. I am an alumni of the Love and Tonic program, and I'm honored to be here and one of my favorite places, in the world. I,
00;00;41;07 - 00;01;11;18
Unknown
Over a year, a little over a year ago, I came to love in Tana. I had, I had seven years of sobriety from 2012 to 2019. And, I let that go for a while, and, I was not sure I was still, an addict. And I had to go find out, and I was offered an opportunity to come here.
00;01;11;21 - 00;01;38;07
Unknown
I didn't want to do this again. I thought I knew everything, I thought I knew exactly what recovery was, but I somehow had an open mind to come in and have a new experience. I had the humility to forget everything I thought I knew and, And I've been thinking about what I did differently or what I am doing differently this time.
00;01;38;10 - 00;02;04;23
Unknown
And one of the most amazing parts of this recovery, my current recovery is that I met a guy named Ty Wieland, who I'm sitting with here today, and I am so grateful for our friendship and for his guidance and that he's in my life. So how are you doing, Ty? Well, that's a great introduction. Yeah. My name's Ty.
00;02;04;26 - 00;02;35;01
Unknown
I'm a recovering addict for 21 years. Clean. I'm also a counselor at love and Tanner. And I've been working on treatment for, like, the last five years. And, me and Dave came together today, and, we were trying to kick around a cool topic of discussion. Right. And we thought what would make a cool topic of discussion for recovery was like the process to change, right?
00;02;35;04 - 00;03;01;04
Unknown
Yeah. There's a quote in the 12 step literature that says we need a complete personality change in order to recover. Yeah, right. And what that means to me is it's like I can't be the same person that used to get high and just not get high. No, you're right, that's even worse than being in active addiction. So.
00;03;01;06 - 00;03;22;18
Unknown
Yeah. So I had to become the kind of person that doesn't want need to get high, right? I needed a change. Right? And the problem is, I didn't know how to change. I've been trying to change my whole life. I always wanted to be a good guy. I was always trying to do the next right thing. I just had magical way of making everything worse, right?
00;03;22;18 - 00;03;57;10
Unknown
Yeah, I hear you. But then when I got into recovery, it was a, a beautiful process to change. And I think that's the topic for today would be steps four through nine is the process to change. And, that's a great topic for me because as I was saying, when I, when I had recovery for those seven years, I went to a great place in 2012 called Karen Foundation.
00;03;57;12 - 00;04;15;16
Unknown
And it was, an introduction to the 12 steps. It was an eye opening experience. I didn't even know what alcoholism was or addiction was anything, but I didn't hear how important it was to do the steps, and I never did right. So I stayed clean for seven years. I never did any of the work. I went to meetings.
00;04;15;16 - 00;04;41;14
Unknown
I loved my home group. But coming here, I mean, your groups, I mean, you have a morning group, steps one, two and three, which I did over and over and over again. And then those afternoon groups, which was what we're going to talk about 5 to 9. And even when I was working with my sponsor, I remember you would say, come into my office before you go ahead with step five and come into my office before you.
00;04;41;14 - 00;05;09;11
Unknown
I want to make sure you're feeling step six, that you're having an experience with it. And that is the difference between my recovery this time and last time. So I think people will really it'll resonate to see how you approach the step work and how transformative it can be. Yeah. You said a lot right there. A lot of us, go through the process and we have an intellectual understanding of it, and we're going through the motions and we answer all the questions, right?
00;05;09;17 - 00;05;37;06
Unknown
Right. But we forget to have that experience with it. Right? And if we could just stop in there, like puts a little extra emphasis on the little things and make it real and have that real experience, and it's that experience that changed me, know the intellectual understanding of the process, but it was putting it into action and and all the little details and really making it real this time.
00;05;37;08 - 00;05;57;09
Unknown
So I could have that experience that changed me. Yeah. I'm not the same person that came here 21 years ago, right? I, I think people need they really are and. Yeah. Yeah. Same with me. Did I, where I walked in here and I was like I, you know, I hated life. I didn't want to meet any of you.
00;05;57;09 - 00;06;15;15
Unknown
I didn't want to meet new people, have new experiences, go new places. I just wanted to isolate myself. And now I talk about becoming a different person. It's a different a change in perception of everything. I want to meet new people. I want new connections. I want new experiences. I say yes to almost everything that sounds interesting to me.
00;06;15;19 - 00;06;43;14
Unknown
I want to learn every day. I want to grow and become. I want to show progress in who I am every day. Life becomes beautiful again. I mean purpose and peace. Freedom of, you know, the craziness of your of your own head. But I think people need some kind of guidance with the steps which you offer here, which I mean, it is a lot of work, but if you're not getting chills when you're reading your fifth step, you know you're not feeling it.
00;06;43;16 - 00;07;10;13
Unknown
And, and that's what you showed me. And I think we want to talk to people about, how to have that experience and how to like you. We were going to talk about breaking down those defects of character, those things that have been causing all this tragedy and the all the pain in your life. And you could say it's, you know, self-seeking, dishonesty, fear of financial insecurity, all this stuff.
00;07;10;20 - 00;07;30;13
Unknown
And you would say, well, could have you ever felt shame? It could it could it could it all be related to some unresolved shame that I'm not worthy of love and connection and you know how to break it down? Or you showed me how to break it down into simpler, not simpler, but more understandable terms where it's not.
00;07;30;19 - 00;07;57;22
Unknown
I don't have 100 character defects. I maybe just have a few. Yeah, yeah. And, to get to the exact nature of our wrongs, it's never the surface level stuff. Right? Right. And we have to goes a little bit deeper and get to the underlying root cause. Right. But before we go off into how we get to that point, there is a foundation, right?
00;07;57;29 - 00;08;19;14
Unknown
And the first three steps is our foundation. Before we could get into the inventory process of the forest, I need a good foundation and recovery, and I don't want to put a lot of focus on to this group, discussion, on the first three steps, I want to keep most of the focus on four through nine.
00;08;19;15 - 00;08;50;26
Unknown
Those are the action steps. Those are those are the steps that changed me. Right? Well, first three steps actually changed me too. But, I think we should focus a little bit on it. And, we were talking earlier and, part of that foundation was, getting out of that fight and flight mode and, and our survival instincts and surrendering and getting back into homeostasis and really connecting with my true self.
00;08;50;29 - 00;09;21;15
Unknown
Right. And before I. Yeah. And, I think he had a really good experience with, the heart brain coherence. Yes. Oh my God. Yeah. So many of your groups blew my mind. Sometimes about how the physiology and the science actually backs up what these steps, are about, that they actually work physically in the physical world.
00;09;21;17 - 00;09;47;21
Unknown
Yeah. You want to talk about the heart coherence? Yeah. So that's something we introduced into the second stab. Right. Because like I said earlier, a lot of us go through the motions and, we do it intellectually, but we forget to internalize it. And we don't have the experience with that. Right. And a lot of us are afraid to actually have that experience because we're afraid to let go and allow ourselves to fail.
00;09;47;24 - 00;10;28;09
Unknown
Right? So when we introduced the heart brain coherence and the like step to, not only get us in tune with that, but it shows us where we're supposed to feel it. Right? Not up here in here. Right. And, and then there was a lot of scientific data that backs up this process. Right. And how healing of an experience that could be when we get our heart in coherence with our mind and then get us out of our fight and flight mode, and it gets us back into homeostasis, and we could get into the healing and rejuvenation process.
00;10;28;11 - 00;10;49;20
Unknown
Yeah. Do you want to talk about that meditation? Heart coherence meditation? No, but we could put the information out there. Okay. And people could research that on their own. It's a it's a great place to, great part to add to our foundation, I believe. You know, there's so much information on YouTube and stuff about heart brain coherence.
00;10;49;20 - 00;11;15;20
Unknown
Yeah. And if you're in early recovery, I highly recommend, doing some research on that and maybe incorporating some of that practice into your second step because, it took me ten years clean to realize I was supposed to fill it. Right. And if we could pass anything on to people coming up behind us, they could start there.
00;11;15;23 - 00;11;36;08
Unknown
And it won't take them ten years to realize we're supposed to fail this and where we're supposed to feel it. And the healing benefits of when we get out of our head and into our heart and physiologically and scientifically, it's proven that your heart and your brain are connected in so many ways that you don't even understand. Yeah, it's and so many healing benefits from that.
00;11;36;08 - 00;12;05;15
Unknown
Yeah. So I think that was a great, Just knowing that there is a foundation before we get into the inventory, we don't start on step four, right? Right. And if there's something that will help enhance that experience, I would I would highly recommend her brain coherence. Okay. And, but so then we get into the four step process.
00;12;05;15 - 00;12;18;03
Unknown
And for me this is really where the change began. Right. And one way I like to look at it, it's like
00;12;18;06 - 00;12;42;01
Unknown
My whole life I was trying to figure out what's wrong with me, what's going on, and how do I figure this out? How come I keep getting stuck in these same positions over and over again, these repetitive patterns? And, it just seemed like there was no way out. So the four step inventory really simplified that for me.
00;12;42;01 - 00;13;02;19
Unknown
Instead of keeping it in my head and making it so big and overwhelming, and it seemed like there was no way out, how about if we just take all of this and put it down on a piece of paper? Yeah, right. And then sit down with the man that's been to it before and see if we can't sort some of this stuff out.
00;13;02;19 - 00;13;27;06
Unknown
Right. And find patterns and. Oh, well, I keep doing this over and over again. Oh, I forgot to. I had, inappropriate boundaries crossed. I, you know, I was allowing this. I was allowing that and see your part that that last that last column of the fourth step is what was my part. And then you can see how you behave.
00;13;27;06 - 00;14;04;28
Unknown
You know, the patterns in your own behavior have allowed for circumstances and treatment of yourself to continually, cause resentments. And, and then what we're going to talk about is what, what, what parts of my character kept allowing these things to happen and kept putting me in these positions. Yeah. So there's a part of that forced, where it says putting it down on paper will unlock parts of our psyche that won't come out just by talking about it and thinking about it.
00;14;05;01 - 00;14;29;03
Unknown
Right. I fully believe that writing it down and I look, I yeah, just so you know, I'm, I'm here with the step work I did here and I can look at it, over a year later and still refer to this because I did the I did the writing and it exists. It's here. Yeah. Okay. So, not only that, but, like, it was so huge in my head, right?
00;14;29;07 - 00;14;51;02
Unknown
And I and I just kept going. Oh, what about this one? What about that? And then this happened, and that. Right. And it was just so overwhelming. But when I got it down to an inventory and got it on paper, I mean, don't we get it down to like ten, 15, even if it's 20 pages? That's a lot less than all of this, right?
00;14;51;02 - 00;15;17;01
Unknown
And it's organized in some way. It's not just floating around and you're forgetting and trying to recall. Yeah. And then we go through, step four and five, and then we could take those 25 pages or ten pages or whatever it is, and we could confine it down to even last less. And I think we'll agree through this talk that we could almost get it down to one word.
00;15;17;03 - 00;15;39;18
Unknown
Yeah. Which I could manage that. Yeah. But when it was in my head, it was so overwhelming and so on. Achievable. And and there was no way out. Yeah. Right. And so there's a couple different processes. There's a lot of different processes on how to do the inventory process. And there are. All right. Every one of them. There's no.
00;15;39;20 - 00;16;04;00
Unknown
Well, the only wrong way to do it is if you're not feeling it, you're doing it wrong. Right. Yeah, yeah. And I think we could probably share a couple of differences. And one thing I always remind people, if you admire your sponsors recovery. Right. And you want what he has, you should go through the process he went through to get it right.
00;16;04;00 - 00;16;20;20
Unknown
So we're going to hear different processes in recovery and wonder, am I doing it wrong? Should I be doing it like this? Why is he telling me to do it like that? They're all right to. If you Meyer your sponsor and you want what he has to offer, you should go through the process he went through to get it.
00;16;20;22 - 00;16;41;08
Unknown
We could always go through another process later, but let's get what he has to offer, right? But also, you can work with the sponsor, but don't cut yourself off to listening to other people's ideas how they've done it. You know you can you can pull things from I can hear something in a meeting that a light goes off for me and I'll say, oh, I want that as part of my program.
00;16;41;11 - 00;16;59;17
Unknown
You know, I could use these things to enhance our experience, which is what you did for me. Like, I, I really love my sponsor. I respect and admire his sobriety, but it was really great for me to be able to work with him and then come get your perspective as well and just get a little more enhancement on it to make sure you're having the real experience.
00;16;59;17 - 00;17;25;23
Unknown
Yeah. You know, I play, so like when you sat down and started this inventory, what how do you start putting pen to paper? That was the biggest obstacle for me. On my first inventory, I would sit down with a notebook and a pen and nothing would come out. Yeah, right. Why don't you share a little bit about how you started putting pen to paper?
00;17;25;23 - 00;17;52;28
Unknown
Well, it's the columns, right? Column one is I resent blank. Yeah, right. What what is it? Who is it? And that's, you know, that. Can I. That's a living document. You know, I develop resentments, you know, all the time. So, then column. And I believe in that process. They start with that because resentment is our number one cause of relapse.
00;17;53;01 - 00;18;15;00
Unknown
Right? Right. So we need to sort out we need some way of sorting out our resentments. Yeah. That's I'll tell you, that was one thing I had. I had an issue with step four because it's supposed to be, the exact nature of my wrongs. Right? My inventory. What did I do wrong? So why am I listing resentments?
00;18;15;00 - 00;18;41;25
Unknown
And why am I listing things that I think other people did to me? Right. I want to start talking about all the people that I was lied to and hurt. But that, you know, that comes in step eight. And then there is the, what was my part on this. So column two is because why, what is the resentment about.
00;18;41;27 - 00;19;09;26
Unknown
Right. That, that you know, uncovers you know why I, why I'm feeling resentful towards that person or that, institution or whatever it happens to be. Okay. So in the second column, what I average you the first column of resentments. Then I go to the second column and did that clear up a lot of the resentments? And you realized that a lot of them weren't even true.
00;19;09;26 - 00;19;16;04
Unknown
I was just making them up.
00;19;16;06 - 00;19;44;13
Unknown
No, not so much about some of them, but I, I allowed myself to be deceived or to be taken advantage of or or I behaved in a way that it came back to me, which will goes back to your part. And then you saw your part in it. Yeah. That was a really eye opening for me. And then to recognize those patterns.
00;19;44;18 - 00;20;09;26
Unknown
Right. You know, I was talking to a client here who was dealing with, having realizing that he's been gaslit over and over throughout his life, and I relate to that as well. And that is a pattern in my life that I don't I have, like, a blind optimism. I don't want to see the truth. I don't allow myself to see the truth.
00;20;09;28 - 00;20;31;06
Unknown
Because I want to believe that everything's great and everything's going to be great. And people, you know, don't look at the red flags and we'll get to, you know, the shame part and how we broke it down and what my character defects, why I allow myself to be. Gosh, yes, I don't. What was the next column? The next column three was it affects me.
00;20;31;08 - 00;21;00;02
Unknown
So I actually read this book, by Russell Brand recovery from a from addiction and I read it while I was here in RTC and it was, you know, Russell Brand is really funny, and he writes it in a very, relatable way. His experience with the 12 steps. So I put him down. It affects my pride, my self-esteem, my security, my finances, my relationships.
00;21;00;04 - 00;21;23;00
Unknown
What did this resentment, how did it affect me? What parts of my life did it affect? Yeah. Okay. So if I could look at that and see how toxic it is for me to harbored these resentments, then maybe I could see the usefulness of finding a different way to process this instead of going to resentment. It's affecting my self-esteem.
00;21;23;00 - 00;21;52;27
Unknown
It's affecting my relationships. It's affecting, so many areas of my life. So that will give me the willingness to find a different way to process things instead of going to resentment. Oh, yeah. And and, you know, the fourth column is what, what was my part in that resentment? And then the fifth column is a fear inventory. So there's a connection between the affects.
00;21;52;27 - 00;22;18;03
Unknown
My right. If it affects my pride, my self-esteem, my finances, my relationships, you know, my fears of financial insecurity or fears that I'm not working hard enough for fear that, you know, my wife's going to leave me. There's a direct link. To what? You know what? These are affecting my life was ruled by fear. You know, fear of everything.
00;22;18;04 - 00;22;40;05
Unknown
Basically. You know, one thing that an experience I had in that, what? My part in that. Right. A lot of the stuff that came out, my inventory was stuff other people did to me, and I had a hard time figuring out what my part in it was. Right. And what I had to what I came up with.
00;22;40;08 - 00;23;03;01
Unknown
My part is I'm a grown man, and I'm still letting this shit ruin my life. That was my part. Yeah, right. That's like, nobody's going to come and clean up their part. I'm responsible for my recovery. I need to take positive actions to stop letting this stuff ruin my life. Right? Right. I, I felt I had the same thing, and I called it sometimes I called it up.
00;23;03;04 - 00;23;28;20
Unknown
Inability to put up healthy boundaries. But. Yeah. And and then you start to think, why? Why did I allow this to happen to me over and over, these types of things, these types of toxic relationships. How did I allow that? Okay. So I think what you were saying, by the time you got to that fear column, you started to see some patterns.
00;23;28;20 - 00;23;52;16
Unknown
Yes. Right. And he saw how these were connected to that. And that came from there. Right where before these were in my blind spot. And I was just reacting to the world because it was in my subconscious. Right. So now this is bringing me to this awareness. There's a pattern here, right? This keeps happening. And if I deal with this underlining issue I can stop this pattern.
00;23;52;18 - 00;24;11;03
Unknown
Does that make sense. Yeah. Right. Right. Which, which then you and I, we did some work before we move on one, I share a different way of doing a four step. Oh okay. Right before we move on. Yeah. Please. And that now is a great way I love the columns. And, that is a beautiful process.
00;24;11;03 - 00;24;35;04
Unknown
And it looks like you had a great experience with that. Yeah. Okay. So in my schmaltzy family, we do it a little bit differently. Oh, wow. Right. And so we just write, we just sit down, with a pen and paper. I ask my higher power for guidance, to be searching and fearless. And whatever flows out of that pen, that's between him or.
00;24;35;06 - 00;24;57;13
Unknown
Yeah, right. We're supposed to come out and as kind of like an autobiography. I just let it all out. Whatever was supposed to come out, come out. What's the what's the prompts for the writing? What do you tell them to write about? The prompt is anything that, well.
00;24;57;15 - 00;25;24;29
Unknown
The prompt would be a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I don't like parts. Right, because it's when we leave. This is your part, and that's my part. I leave parts out. It's my life. It's all my part. I'm going to have to do the work to clean it up. Right? So, like, we can write about our fear.
00;25;24;29 - 00;25;54;07
Unknown
We can write about our resentments. We could buy about relationships. We could, Yeah. And it's not really a set column per topic. It's more of a free flowing whatever is comes out, supposed to come out and, let it flow. Whatever you think is relevant and has affected you in your life. Yeah. And sometimes it's easier to break that down to a timeline like major events from 5 to 10, right?
00;25;54;08 - 00;26;12;15
Unknown
Major events from 10 to 15 major events. And then when you start doing that, like they say, I pick three things between 5 and 10, right? Good or bad, right? And then as I start to flow, I'll probably think of more things that happened between 5 and 10 and that could come back and add to it. All right.
00;26;12;16 - 00;26;37;02
Unknown
Right. And so this way of an inventory, like I said, they're both right. But it was just for me, it was a really free flowing whatever comes out is supposed to come out. I'm asking my higher power for guidance. And I just keep writing. And then I would sit down with my sponsor, right. And, read, parts of this and he would he would prompt me.
00;26;37;04 - 00;26;52;21
Unknown
He would say, I think we need to do some more writing on this. I need to do I think we need to do some more writing. Okay. So he started reading through it and recognized, okay, it would read, we have something here. Let's go with this. Let's go with that. Let's go a little deeper. Yeah. And he would prompt me on that.
00;26;52;23 - 00;27;19;29
Unknown
And we spent a lot of time on it. And we really want to throw matter of fact, I spent so much time on it, I was like, look, dude, I'm done. Do all their trust me, right? I said it a little bit more readily than that. Okay. So and then from that inventory, he had me go through and make a list of the exact natures of my wrongs.
00;27;20;04 - 00;27;44;28
Unknown
Yeah. So the beautiful part about the inventory is a lot of people get hung up like the inventory. There's a lot of work, right. And it's only the fourth step. And we're like, oh my God, this is a lot of work. And I got eight more steps to go. Right. But the inventory the fourth step is 70% of all the step work.
00;27;45;01 - 00;28;06;16
Unknown
Right. Because in my inventory, I pulled out a list of my exact natures of my wrongs for my first step. That's where I got the character defect from my seven step. Then I pulled out all the people I had harmed from my day. Yeah, right. And the next thing you know, I'm online fast, right? Yeah. And then we get into ten, 11, 12, which is maintenance steps.
00;28;06;17 - 00;28;33;02
Unknown
Right. So when I got done with this inventory, he had me go through and pull out. Now, now I'm starting a column. I'm starting a column of the exact nature of my wrongs. And like I said before, it doesn't matter whether I did it. And it's wrong where they did it to me. And it's wrong. It's my life I got to.
00;28;33;05 - 00;29;04;16
Unknown
I'm responsible for my recovery. What's wrong is wrong. And I made a whole column of the exact nature of my wrong from my fifth step that I pulled from my inventory. And this is one thing I had you go back through your inventory so I could help enhance your experience with this part. Yeah, right. Oh, yeah, I you had me write columns and then spots or had you write the columns.
00;29;04;18 - 00;29;39;29
Unknown
Then I had you go right through that and write it. The exact nature of you're wrong because the fifth step is, we made it to God ourselves, another human being, the exact natures of our role. Right? Right. And if I say my exact natures of my wrongs were, lack of faith, people pleasing, ego self-seeking all the time, lack of boundaries to trusting, procrastination, dishonesty, fear of asking for help.
00;29;40;02 - 00;29;57;13
Unknown
You said, let's break it down even more. Yeah. So first we get that list of the exact natures of our wrongs. And that's what I was talking about before my whole life. I was trying to figure out what's wrong. Right? What's wrong? Well, how about if we put it down on a piece of paper and start processing some of this?
00;29;57;21 - 00;30;26;14
Unknown
Now we're getting to the solution. What's wrong? Right. So now I got one list of the exact nature that were wrong. But it's never the surface level stuff. We need to get to the exact nature of our right. Yeah, it's like breaking down a fraction. Yeah. So one way of doing that, that was real useful. And I think you had a great experience with that is we took that list of my wrongs and I asked myself, why is this wrong and want a little deeper?
00;30;26;16 - 00;30;50;14
Unknown
Why is this wrong? I want a little deeper, and why is this wrong? And I asked myself three times, each time going a little deeper and a little deeper. And then the third column was the exact nature of my wrong. And when I took it all the way down and kept going deeper and deeper, three times what I have found, and I think you had a similar experience.
00;30;50;17 - 00;31;20;20
Unknown
The exact underlining issue, the real nature of my wrong was they started lining up. It was like all the ones like I had 25. On the first call I asked myself three times. The same word just keeps coming up, keeps coming up, keeps coming up. Right? And most of us, when we get to that third part.
00;31;20;22 - 00;31;44;24
Unknown
Will see that most of this is caused from our, deep wounded, underlying unresolved shame issues. Right. When you brought that up to me, I didn't understand it at first. We had to see it on paper and black and white. Yeah. On paper. And we talked. I mean, we talked about my childhood. I don't know if you remember.
00;31;44;24 - 00;32;07;26
Unknown
And that my mother, I grew up with a mom who suffered from serious mental illness. Her moods were up and down and up and down and and I remember, like, I was talking to my sister about this. My mom would make me get up and sing in front of people, and I mean, like, in inappropriate places at a restaurant.
00;32;07;28 - 00;32;33;24
Unknown
And, and I remember you were saying, were you always trying to make your mom happy, trying to perform well, make your family okay? And you, you could never. One kid can't do that. You're not responsible for that. But maybe that's a source of some deep rooted shame that you. Yeah, because I think that I need to perform well to make them happy, and I.
00;32;33;25 - 00;32;51;26
Unknown
I'm not responsible for their happiness. I don't have that power. And they're not happy. I think I'm not performing well enough. There must be something wrong with me. And then I keep trying, and there must be something wrong with me, and there must be something wrong with me. And that could lead to some deep, unresolved shame issues. Right?
00;32;51;26 - 00;33;16;03
Unknown
And so like that would never have occurred to me to go back to my childhood, that I would still be carrying shame that my performing is, is never going to be good enough for anyone, because you're programed those first years of your life. Right. Well, we created these, survival instincts. Are these maladaptive behaviors to think that was the way to resolve it, right?
00;33;16;03 - 00;33;37;03
Unknown
If I perform well enough, and I. I can make everybody happy, then everything will be okay. Because there was times when it did work and they were happy. I made you that healed. Your underlining shame is your. I made everybody happy by performing well. It's tax prayer and it temporarily works. So now I'm exerting myself even more and then it becomes a maladaptive behavior, right?
00;33;37;03 - 00;33;57;15
Unknown
And you treat all your relationships like that. But the reality is, I can't be responsible for everybody's happiness and I'll never make them happy. So I'm always going to keep wounding that underlining show. I wasn't good enough. Yeah, I wasn't good. Okay. So here's a great example. Okay. So that that could be the result of I could see how that would lead to some stuff.
00;33;57;15 - 00;34;42;27
Unknown
When you did, the was just one. It was just one childhood source of what you would call so unresolved shame. And then we can talk about how that type of shame. And we were talking about how there are, there are people who had probably very few, but people who had very healthy childhoods, you know, who developed healthy connections and do feel they don't carry around this unresolved shame, which makes them feel, worthy of love and connections and a healthy courage to show their true, authentic selves in vulnerability, which are things that like, I feel like part of my drinking is because I avoided.
00;34;43;00 - 00;35;03;27
Unknown
I was trying to keep up this facade that I'm performing well, you know, I don't want to show my vulnerability, and I'm not worthy of love and connection. You know, the alcohol, you know, seem to be the the antidote to that. Yeah. Yeah.
00;35;03;29 - 00;35;28;23
Unknown
Okay, so you bring up a point. So, like, there's people that grow up in a healthy, supportive environment and they're making these secure attachments, and and they're not, overcompensating for their unresolved shame issues. Right. And creating all these maladaptive behaviors that leads to addiction. So everybody's always trying to look for a way like recovering addicts, like, how do I make sure my kids don't get this?
00;35;29;00 - 00;36;05;26
Unknown
Yeah. Oh, that's a huge one. Okay. So make sure they have that safe environment where they could like, authentically or express themselves freely and make those secure attachments so they're not creating these maladaptive behaviors and, and getting these unresolved shame issues that lead to addiction. Right? Yeah. And so now it's my responsibility now that I have this information to make sure this stops here and doesn't get continued to pass down to generation A generation.
00;36;05;26 - 00;36;29;06
Unknown
Right. And I think that's pretty it's very relevant today because I have a teenage daughter and I see, you know, I want her to get straight A's. I want her to get into a good college. I want her to perform well. I want her to be captain of the tennis team. But I don't think I, you know, Brené Brown in that in one of her Ted talks, says it's not your job to have a baby and hold your baby and say you're going to be perfect.
00;36;29;08 - 00;36;54;08
Unknown
It's your job to say you are imperfect and you are built for adversity, but you are worthy of love and connection with all your imperfections. You are worthy of love and our love and connection. And you know, okay, so I think it's important to go there because like the same thing we need to develop and a healthy environment is the same thing.
00;36;54;08 - 00;37;28;22
Unknown
We need to heal, right, right right right. Well that's the re parenting yourself, right? I like the tail and let's do it now. Yeah. So if we understand like, in like early childhood development, in a healthy environment, there'd be a lot of trust, a lot of safety. There would be a lot of support and people could come out of their shell and, and generally express themselves and everybody around them as being their genuine, authentic selves and freenode, they feel secure.
00;37;28;22 - 00;37;51;03
Unknown
Attachment. Yeah, right. Nobody grows up in that environment no more. Yeah. Right. Okay, so most of us are growing up in an environment where we're always walking around on eggshells and waiting for the next bomb to drop. Yeah, right. And there's no safety in trust. And the walls are up. Right. And we're not making those secure attachments. So, but we're human beings, and we're wired for that, right?
00;37;51;03 - 00;38;21;15
Unknown
Yeah. So what normally happens is I make insecure attachments to substances and behaviors and a lot of the drugs and behaviors I was addicted to create the same oxytocin levels in my head is if I'm making that secure attachment without the rejection. That's an interesting point, right there that if you're not, if you don't believe you're worthy of love and connection with people, your way to do it is connecting with a substance.
00;38;21;18 - 00;38;45;23
Unknown
Because we're we're human beings and we're wired for connection. And that's until you you develop that love and connection with the alcohol or the drug, or are some basic behaviors or toxic behaviors. Yeah, yeah, I can name that cousins to make us feel like we're having a secure attach. So that fascinates addiction to me is just an insecure attachment to a substance.
00;38;45;23 - 00;39;10;11
Unknown
Our behavior. And when they say, recovery that, connection is, the antidote to addiction. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I there's that truth to that. Right. So true. But it needs to be that healthy, secure attachment that creates that oxytocin level. And we start getting that right. I don't make dope. That's good. And and that and we were talking about this too.
00;39;10;11 - 00;39;49;28
Unknown
And I'm not I'm not, you know, preaching about the fellowships of AA or any this for me, in my experience, those healthy attachments really can come in those rooms. Right. And you're, you're, you're you're rewarded for showing your vulnerability. You're not being judged. There are those that healthy support and connection that you are talking about to. I find those I love going to AA meetings and I have I've met so many amazing people in this last year that I really feel like know me, like I could have a friendship.
00;39;50;00 - 00;40;12;10
Unknown
That comes through the program and knowing them for a few weeks or a month, it's a more authentic, deeper relationship than some people I've known outside of those rooms for years and years. When I see that are people in my family. Yeah. Who would like your conversations? Like everything bad about my family. But yeah, there's a there's a deeper connection there.
00;40;12;12 - 00;40;39;22
Unknown
Right. And I get why that fellowship part, is, is so important for me. It allows it gives opportunities for those healthy connections. Okay. So now we're getting into the healing part. Yeah. Which is beautiful healing. So the first part of that healing part right. Well yeah we'll call it the first part right. Is building healthy support. Yeah.
00;40;39;23 - 00;41;06;17
Unknown
Right. We're human beings. We're wired for connection. We all need a safe environment where I feel there's a lot of trust and safety. And I could come, let the walls down, come out of my shell and express myself freely. And everybody else in that support group could do the same thing. So. Right. And now we're making those secure attachments, but we could go to the support groups and never build that kind of a support group.
00;41;06;17 - 00;41;28;17
Unknown
Yeah. You can go sit in the back and never talk to anyone. But when you do have the courage to just raise your hand, say something from the heart, anything. And a few people come up to you afterwards and say, you know what? I really I really understand what you're saying. That really resonated with me. You're saying the same oxytocin, the same feeling you would get from a connection with a with a shot of alcohol.
00;41;28;20 - 00;42;07;09
Unknown
It's your replace. Probably better. Better. Yeah. When we get it right. It's so true. It's even better, right? If it wasn't, I probably wouldn't still be clean for 21 years. I agree, right? I didn't find something better than the bad times. I found something better than a good. They don't make dope this good. That's so true. Right. And okay, so but now going through this inventory process and breaking down the exact nature of our wrongs and seeing how this one character defect is creating this whole big thing that was so overwhelming that I thought there was no way out and it was hopeless.
00;42;07;11 - 00;42;32;06
Unknown
And now I broke it down to, okay, I got one. Dang, I got an address, which you get it now I'm willing to do the work to meet me, right? I take care of that one thing. All of this goes away right before it was overwhelming and I couldn't see any way out. And it was hopeless. Right. And it's like, wait, all I got to do is work on this one thing and all this goes away.
00;42;32;08 - 00;42;59;03
Unknown
I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Now to address that one thing. I'm going to build that real support group that gives me that healing, secure attachment and not just go through the motions and like, hang out with buddies in the rooms and, and, you get what I'm saying? Yes. That to go into a meeting and actually raise your hand is actually a good place to start saving your life, rebuilding your life, opening the door to this.
00;42;59;06 - 00;43;29;23
Unknown
And there's two views. And and because they're human beings and they need a to show you're a part. It's a two way street. Yeah. Well, that's the beautiful chain reaction of the 12 steps. But but just to just to summarize what we've talked about all the work we've done to sort of, get get a lot of the, the pain and suffering and causes for our addiction down to really one word, which is shame and then one of your groups, you know, Ty has, a group that is a roadmap called healing from shame.
00;43;29;23 - 00;43;55;07
Unknown
So, like you were saying, if you realize my life was a disaster in a million different ways because of one thing, here's a roadmap to really like, you got to take this seriously. Yeah, like this isn't just words on the page. So go ahead. You're talking about building a safe support group. Well, okay. So like you gave an a great example of how your shame could have came about.
00;43;55;14 - 00;44;26;09
Unknown
Right. And and we all have different experience, life experiences. Right. Mine was brought on by childhood trauma. Right. And when a child is abused, he doesn't stop loving his parents. He stops loving himself. Oh, God. Yeah, right. And then a lot of people didn't have that negative experience. They thought they had healthy families. Right. And one good way I heard it described was, it's like we're human beings and we're wired for connection, right?
00;44;26;09 - 00;44;49;27
Unknown
We need that safe environment where nobody's walking around on a child or waiting for the next mom to drive. But we can relax and safe and come out of our shell and make didn't. Nobody's growing up like that anymore, right? But we're human beings are wired for that, right? So while we're not getting that, and I'm trying and it doesn't work out, I think there's something wrong with me.
00;44;49;29 - 00;45;13;01
Unknown
And I keep trying and the energy's not working out. I think there's something wrong with me right then I create these maladaptive behaviors to try to make that happen. And they're maladaptive. So we keep missing each other. And every time we mess, there's something wrong with me, there's something wrong. And a lifetime of that leaves us with what they call a complex trauma and unresolved shame issues.
00;45;13;01 - 00;45;32;13
Unknown
Right. And it's all part of my is we're human beings, and we're designed for a time to, secure attachments. And I'm not getting it. So it's it's traumatizing trying to mess and trying to mess and try and mess. And so even people that didn't have these traumatic experience could still be shocked and suffering from this. And they don't even.
00;45;32;13 - 00;45;49;00
Unknown
But my child was it was great. But yeah, it was it really. You know what I mean? Right. And it's not our parents fault and oh, some of it and it's just there were just some misinformed people. Right. And that's why I say now we got the information. We make sure it stops here and doesn't continue on. Right.
00;45;49;00 - 00;46;15;27
Unknown
But it doesn't matter really how it came about. What matters is we got it right. Right. But it does help to go reflect on maybe what I mean. And you're right, it doesn't have to be a, you know, an apparent abuse as a child. Because this stuff happens without you consciously realizing it. I, I never could perform up to my parents expectations.
00;46;15;29 - 00;46;35;27
Unknown
My parents only were kind to me when I performed well or I had, you know, it could be in subtle ways, but I think everybody has some amount of built in shame that I'm not enough. I'll go all the way back from early childhood development. Yes. Right, right, right. And you had no idea was going on? No, I was, but but okay.
00;46;35;27 - 00;46;55;19
Unknown
So until we resolve that okay. So it doesn't matter how it came about, right, I got it. I got some unresolved shame stuff. The healing process is all the same. All the same. Right? Right. And what we said is the way we develop is the same tools we used to heal. Right. So now we got to go back to that place and, heal that part of me.
00;46;55;19 - 00;47;24;21
Unknown
Right? That didn't have that kind of environment growing up. I'm a grown man now. I'm responsible for my recovery. I can't go back in time and make people do a different. I gotta make sure I have that now. Okay? So if I don't, I can see how this one thing created this whole mess of my life. It's going to continue to shape my reactions to this world, the jobs I pick, the people I date, the patterns that I create.
00;47;24;23 - 00;47;46;17
Unknown
Right. And there's, Carl Young has an old quote. Until we make the subconscious conscious and or control our lives, and we will call it fate. Okay? And there's this thing that's pulling me and all my decisions and all my actions. And until I resolve that part of me, it's affecting me. And I don't even know it. Right.
00;47;46;22 - 00;48;17;10
Unknown
Okay. So now we're willing to, like, do that. Right? And there's the support group. That real genic genuine healthy support is a first part. But we're not just hanging out with buddies in recovery. We're creating that, Danzig support group would secure attachments where you're giving like, so you talk about the repairing thing yourself is become a big kind of, people are really talking about that now.
00;48;17;10 - 00;48;44;29
Unknown
But when you think of yourself as a ten year old child, what would that boy need right now? Would that boy need some healthy connections right now? Yeah. Would he, you know, would I want him to raise his hand and open up and take a chance and repairing thing yourself is thinking of your life. As what would the child what would my me as a ten year old need right now?
00;48;44;29 - 00;49;07;08
Unknown
Yeah. And like when I was in recovery and treatment 21 years ago, they would tell you, oh, you got to do the inner child work and got to do the repair. And then I go, that's lame. I ain't doing that. But I'm doing it now. Right when I not see how that affected my life. And all I have to do is do that and it resolves all these issues I'm in right now.
00;49;07;08 - 00;49;40;24
Unknown
So is there do the out there does. Right. But it's like, oh, you're going to do it eventually. When you get tired of it ruining your life, you'll you'll find the willingness to do it. And the inventory process. And the first step was a great self-awareness to create that willingness. Yeah. To get it. So like what we would call that in the 12 step community would be putting myself self on the eight step list and making amends to myself as part of the healing from shame process.
00;49;40;26 - 00;50;04;07
Unknown
And then I take it, I like to take it a little deeper and incorporate some psychology into this. Right? And like, how do you making amends to yourself? Okay, so I start treating myself the way I deserve to be treated. If I forgive myself, I'm treating myself and then giving myself those things that I didn't get, and I'm making sure my needs are met.
00;50;04;14 - 00;50;36;11
Unknown
Right? And not expecting other people to meet my needs right. So then we can bring it to like into psychology and take it a little bit deeper and I'm going to go all the way down to, making sure that five year old version of myself gets the things he needed so he, I can heal that part of me and make that deep amends to myself, that can heal that underlying shame and keep me from acting out on all those character defects, and that my German step.
00;50;36;13 - 00;51;02;03
Unknown
Yeah, right. So now we're now we're like a addressing the underlining. Okay. So like that go to like I'm making amends to myself. But taking it really, really deeper all the way back to that early childhood that, wasn't resolved. I didn't get. But now I'm a grown ass man, and it's. I can't make my parents do it over again.
00;51;02;03 - 00;51;30;14
Unknown
I can't go back in time. So I got to do it. It's my recovery. I got to make this right. So that's why I got to repair it myself. I got to make sure that version of myself gets everything he needs that I didn't get. So I could heal that part of me, my right. And one way of doing that would be for me to look at myself like that five year old version of myself.
00;51;30;16 - 00;51;49;08
Unknown
And okay, so I might let toxic people in my house. I'm a grown man. If it gets out of hand, I can handle it. But I'm not letting those people in my house. If my five year old son was there, right? And that's when you have a year on there. Healing from shame is building. I mean, setting healthy boundaries.
00;51;49;12 - 00;52;09;20
Unknown
Yeah. For your own, for your own recovery, for your own well-being. So I need to treat myself the way I would treat that five year old version of myself. You know, I don't have to stay in a toxic. Really. I don't have to stay in a friendship that constantly makes me feel bad. No, that is not supportive.
00;52;09;22 - 00;52;31;18
Unknown
You know, you don't have to stay in that. Well, I wouldn't let those people around my five year old son. Why am I letting them around me? And that's. But that's a perfect example of a practical way you can repair into yourself is setting healthy boundaries and and not, indulging relationships that aren't working for you. Okay. And I might like, eat a bunch of junk food and not care about.
00;52;31;18 - 00;53;08;04
Unknown
I'm not feeling that to my five year old son. He's getting the grass fed, the free range dog, and it all is rather supplementary. The wish I don't get to treat myself the way I would treat him and I'm forgiving myself. I treat my self the way I should have it deserve to be treated. That's so true. And to realize that making time for self-care, whether it's making sure I have time to take a hike in the morning with my dog, or, to make sure I get ten minutes of a little bit of meditation in the morning or, you know, all these things.
00;53;08;07 - 00;53;30;05
Unknown
They're not just they're not just like, silly little things that I like to do. These are essential for my wellbeing. Essential. Because if I don't heal that part of me, it's going to dictate and control my life. And I'm going to call it fate. Oh, right. It's why I can't ask for a promotion when I know I deserve it.
00;53;30;05 - 00;53;46;20
Unknown
It's why I did the people I did. It's why I. I don't feel like I deserve better. It's why it's it. And this is all happening in my subconscious, and I'm not even aware of it. And and to bring that to the conscious awareness and say, no, I'm going to heal that part of me, and I'm going to change that.
00;53;46;20 - 00;54;14;18
Unknown
I'm going to be a better person and a different person and a whole person. Right? Yeah. And, not walk around this world with the whole of my chest and try to fill it with all kinds of things outside of myself. I'm going to heal that part of me. And then you have one on here that's self-acceptance, embracing and accepting oneself, including flaws and imperfections, building a positive self-image and self-esteem.
00;54;14;23 - 00;54;41;02
Unknown
Okay, so like this whole process through the 12 step recovery process is will lead to self-acceptance. Right before I could accept myself, I have to find out who the fuck that is, right? A lot of us come into recovery. Don't even know who we are. And some of that is finding out who I'm not. And that's sometimes a painful realization.
00;54;41;05 - 00;55;01;19
Unknown
Like, because I really thought that who I was, right. You know, you let go of these images, these false images of myself and get down. That's why I like the heart coherence, because just who I am here, I wasn't a gangster. I'm not a convict. I'm not an outlaw or a drug dealer. I'm just a good dude that likes helping people get clean.
00;55;01;21 - 00;55;20;01
Unknown
That couldn't hold me back. Oh, right. Yeah. Okay, so then there's, like, we find that, we find out who we're not. I'm just to get right. And then when I go, then we get to who we are, then it's like, okay, but maybe I still don't like this girl. I got some old resolve shame issues. So it's like, who do I want to become right there?
00;55;20;01 - 00;55;36;11
Unknown
Just like if I can accept myself, I got a process that could change. I could become a different person. The person I can accept, I hate it when people say, well, this is just who I am. You got to accept it. I got to accept me, love me for no good change. That's I could become a better hurdle that I can accept.
00;55;36;11 - 00;56;05;29
Unknown
There's no limit to how much you can grow and progress and learn. I mean, spiritually especially, But that's interesting. First, you learn who you're not, right? And sometimes that's painful. Ignorance is bliss, right? Well, like, no, I was it's beautiful in the long run. Yes, but I was thinking, like, you know, a while back, I thought I was.
00;56;06;02 - 00;56;31;27
Unknown
I was very negative. I thought people were were selfish and out for themselves. The universe was conspiring against me. Nothing works out. I'm just. I'm a negative person, and I have a negative view of everything. Okay, so you just touched on something right there. I thought that's the way everybody else was. Yeah, because that's the way I was, right?
00;56;31;27 - 00;56;54;22
Unknown
And I. I didn't even know who they were. I don't know, I'm so I assume they're like me. Yeah. When I changed who I was, it turns out that's how everybody else was. It's my I was just assuming they were like me. But when you talk about getting back to the homeostasis, right, I one profound realization for me over the last year is that I am an optimistic person.
00;56;54;28 - 00;57;14;16
Unknown
I'm a kind person. Yeah. I like to be helpful to others. I like to root for other people. I believe other people are rooting for me and that the universe is now, you know, conspiring in my favor. Okay, well, I look back at Marla. I was always that guy, and I always wanted to be a good dude and do the right thing, right?
00;57;14;16 - 00;57;33;01
Unknown
I just didn't know how. But that's your nature. That's your. That's my true nature, right? That's profound. To realize, like, who I am is through this process, they gave me a way to be a way to be useful in helping others. Right? Right. And how to do better, become a better version of myself and to do the right thing.
00;57;33;01 - 00;57;52;01
Unknown
I always wanted to. I just didn't know how. I always wanted to change and be a better person. I just didn't know how. Right? I needed a process to guide me, to show me how to change and how to be useful and helping others. Yeah, right. Yeah. Well, that's also where we talk about finding some purpose is, you know, that comes later, but.
00;57;52;04 - 00;58;24;13
Unknown
Well, actually, it's an a part of that because there's a part of coming to, come here with our part. Right. Okay. So I could give my past a purpose, right. Oh my God. Yeah. By helping others with that, by using my negative experiences to ease the suffering of others that I. Profound. Okay, so, like when we come to terms with our past and we learn how to go through this process and get through it to the other side and heal right?
00;58;24;15 - 00;58;49;00
Unknown
And now I know how to show other people how to do it right. And it's like, since I've had those negative experiences and I learned how to walk through it and get to the healing part, that gives me usefulness and helping others, I could show them how to do it. And now my past no longer haunts me.
00;58;49;02 - 00;59;14;06
Unknown
It's my greatest asset, right? The most the most horrible things in your past. The most shameful, painful things now have purpose. They have a purpose which make it what makes me so useful for helping others. Because I know exactly why you can't stop. And hi, I know exactly what to do about that because I walk through it now.
00;59;14;06 - 00;59;33;10
Unknown
I know how to walk somebody else through it, and when they're free, I heal and I no longer regret the past. It's my greatest. I gave it a purpose. Right? You never know. You never. You stop saying fuck. Why did why did that shit happened to me? And why doesn't it happen to other people? Well, because now it happened to me.
00;59;33;10 - 00;59;54;16
Unknown
So I can now. Okay, so now for me, it's not. That's why it happened. It's just what we do with it. Yeah. What the why it happened gig. Take us down a word. Right. Oh, yeah. It's just happened. And this is what I'm going to do with it. I could allow it to the like, let me sink further into my condition and destroy the rest of my life.
00;59;54;19 - 01;00;14;24
Unknown
All right. I could use it. I could get to it, learn how to heal from it. And now that I've learned to heal from it, I could use it as a tool to help other people here. And the more people that I'm able to help, I no longer regret my past nor wish to shut the door on it.
01;00;14;27 - 01;00;39;05
Unknown
It's what makes me so useful in helping others. That's right. And I gave it a purpose. It's my greatest asset. It's not a burden that I am ashamed of. Our. Our need to sweep under the carpet, that I'm don't want no one to know about. Right? Right. And so we can't come to terms with our past and we can heal those underlying parts of us, or we don't have to let this shit destroy the rest of our lives.
01;00;39;08 - 01;01;04;08
Unknown
We can't change them. We just need a process to change them. We need to do some healing. And and it's a beautiful thing. Like I said, I don't make the objects go. I mean, I hope everyone got a little glimpse of the magic of the 12 steps. I mean, turning pain into purpose is just I think that's a great place to end here because it's something really to think about.
01;01;04;10 - 01;01;33;23
Unknown
And it really is one of the beautiful things, that comes with going through these steps and having relationships like I've found with you. I mean, dude, I'm so two way street, brother. I'm so grateful that you're in my corner in this life. And
01;01;33;25 - 01;01;34;02
Unknown
Like a.